What is a lesbian top? LGBTQ+ sex experts explain and give tips on topping
The terms topping and bottoming usually come up in two contexts: when talking about gay sex or in the context of a BDSM Dom/sub relationship. In the simplest terms, topping = giving or penetrating, and bottoming = receiving or being penetrated. But there are tops and bottoms in lesbian sex, too. For lesbians, where oral is a big component of your sex life, the top/bottom dynamic may always be present when you take your clothes off, or may just come into play during penetrative sex with fingers or strap-ons. And instead of it just being shorthand for who likes to penetrate and who likes to do the penetrating, it also has a lot to do with which partner wants to be in control and who wants to relinquish it.But there is so much more to get into, so we talked to LGBTQ+ sex and relationship experts to do a deep dive into what a lesbian top is, how you can be the best top around, and what to do if youre brand new to topping in a sapphic relationship.What is a lesbian top?So weve been over what a lesbian bottom is, but what is a lesbian top?Unlike in gay male culture where top and bottom may have clearer penetrative connotations, lesbian dynamics are broader, often involving mutual exchange, but with one partner taking initiative, Chelsea Newton, a licensed clinical social worker who founded the LGBTQ+ sex therapy practice Phases of the Mind therapy, tells PRIDE.While penetration may be part of the equation, there are plenty of other ways lesbian tops dominate, lead, and control in the bedroom.A lesbian top might fuck/penetrate her partner with a strap-on or hand-held dildo, or with her hands. But she might also just be more dominant backing her partner up against a wall, undressing her, or calling the shots, regardless of what specific sexual activities she engaged in. She might even top her partner with her eyes, looking her up and down with unabashed desire, explains Dr. Ruth Schwartz, certified sex and intimacy coach, director at the lesbian-focused Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and author.And dont get bogged down by stereotypes the heteros do that enough for all of us because there are plenty of butch bottoms and high femme tops. So, whether youre a diesel dyke or a lipstick lesbian, you can own the title of lesbian top.Is it all about positions?Sexual positions only play a small role in what makes a lesbian top vs. bottom. Your attitude and level of control and dominance you exert also help define a lesbian top.A top isn't necessarily literally on top! It's about attitude and about a more take-charge energy, Dr. Schwartz says. Or, if she is a service top, she might take charge of the action but in a softer way, with an intent to arouse and please.From stone tops (touch me nots) to service tops to tops who are hyper femme to ones who want to explore masculine energy, there is also no one way to be a top, and it will look different for every person. Some lesbian tops feel they are channeling masculine energy, as if the dildo is their own cock, she explains. Others just love the experience of feeling a partner surrender to her own pleasure with them, whether they're using their hands, mouths, or a strap-on. Whichever way it works for you is fine.What makes a good lesbian top?A good top is attuned to their partners desires and has the confidence to act on that knowledge. The best tops are emotionally present, patient, and responsive, Newton explains. They care about their partners experience, check in without interrupting, and prioritize consent and pleasure. Good tops also know how to create anticipation and adapt in real-time. Psychological flexibility and playful experimentation go a long way.According to Dr. Schwartz, being a good top in a sapphic relationship means being attuned to your partners desires and responses so that you can both arouse her and bring her pleasure. A good lesbian top is also intuitive, and tuned-in to her own body enough to be able to actually feel her partner's arousal and pleasure.Tips for improving your topping skillsLearn your partners erotic language: Ask about turn-ons, boundaries, and fantasies beforehand, Newton suggests.Slow down and build erotic tension through pacing and edging.Pay attention to your partners physical cues like changes in breathing, small body movements, and muscle tension.Dont be afraid to be vocal in bed. Praise, affirmations, and whispered desires can be a huge turn-on for your bottom.Make asking for consent sexy. If you say it with confidence and dripping with desire, a May I? or Do you like this? Can ratchet up the sexual tension while getting consent at the same time. Performative dominance isnt cute or sexy. Have the courage and confidence to learn how to pleasure your partner and then take them to O-town. Practice makes perfect! Many women are sexually shy and, especially if they've been with men, tend not to take the lead. If you're drawn to take the lead with another woman, it's okay to be vulnerable, express your desires, and ask for input and feedback as you build competence and confidence, Dr. Schwartz advises. While your bottom may have plenty of toys of their own, you should equip yourself with a good strap-on harness and several dildos of varying sizes. You can never be too prepared!But what if its your first time?If its your first time topping, either because this is your first lesbian relationship or because youve never explored this sexual dynamic before, it can feel a little overwhelming. But dont worry because our experts have you covered!Being a lesbian top means getting attuned to your partners wants and desires, so start paying close attention to her body language. If you move closer to her, does she soften? If you back her against the wall or pin her down on the bed, does she sigh and open, or stiffen? Never be afraid to ask questions or change course, because being a top is about bringing pleasure, Dr. Schwartz recommends.Dont get too focused on penetration. Not all bottoms are interested, and thats ok, there are plenty of other things to do in the bedroom. Dont forget about foreplay and timing! Many bottoms feel more turned on if they're made to wait before something they are craving whether it's your lips on her lips, your squeeze of her nipples, your mouth or fingers on her pussy, or, of course, your fingers or dildo inside her, Dr. Schwartz says.Encourage your partner to moan, move, and be vocal about what she wants more of or less of. It will help her feel freer and give you valuable information as a newbie. Check in and cuddle afterward. Aftercare is an important part of the experience, too.Biggest mistakes lesbian tops makeRushing through foreplay, ignoring verbal or nonverbal cues, relying on toys while ignoring manual or oral technique, and viewing topping as dominance rather than connection, are all common mistakes lesbian tops make, Newton explains.And dont get it twisted, tops are allowed to enjoy pleasure too. If you want the focus to be solely about your partners enjoyment, thats ok, but youre allowed to have fun and experience orgasms yourself while topping. A lesbian top might also think it's not okay to get aroused, want to be touched, or have an orgasm herself. But in fact, all of these things are more than okay! Letting yourself be touched and pleasured doesn't turn you into a bottom, if your energy is still in charge of the encounter, Dr. Schwartz says.What should you do if you get performance anxiety?First, try to find a partner to explore this dynamic with who you can trust, who is already comfortable as a bottom, and is open to letting you explore this side of yourself. Second, dont put too much pressure on yourself to get it right immediately. Anxiety is common and doesnt mean youre not capable, Newton says. Start by talking openly with your partner about your nerves. Frame this as exploration. Shift from I need to do this perfectly to We get to discover what we like together.Dr. Schwartz agrees, The more you can approach sex with an attitude of play, adventure, curiosity and exploration, the more you can have a good time even if, say, the dildo falls out of its harness, or you have trouble finding a position that lets you thrust, or your hips start hurting midway, or you get a stiff neck or sore tongue. You get to be human and vulnerable while being a top.Experts cited:Chelsea Newton, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of the LGBTQ+ sex therapy practice Phases of the Mind therapy.Dr. Ruth Schwartz, certified sex and intimacy coach, director at the lesbian-focused Conscious Girlfriend Academy, and author of eight books, including Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love.
