Dear Alexander,Sex is not worth it. I refuse to do hookups. I had a bad experience; it was my first time and ended with me being blackmailed, but nothing happened. After that, I promised myself that I would never have a hookup again. I do not see the appeal anyway. All that work for really nothing. Feeling good for a little bit, then going back for more, like a drug addict.I'm not against the idea of sex; sure, there are moments when I want sex, but I just remember that one experience and decide it's not worth it. Who wants to have sex with an inexperienced virgin anyway? Am I wrong for not wanting to be part of promiscuity and choosing to let sex go?Howdy,Theres a lot to unpack here.First, Im sorry your first sexual experience was so bad. Thats not how it should go.Being blackmailed is more than a bad experience its a violation that will feel painful to anyone who lived in the closet, afraid exposure would cost them their families, jobs, or lives.This makes me think youre still in the closet. Someone can only use your sex life as leverage if youre not open or public about what you do. Being DL isnt a moral failing everyone has their own journey but coming out brings joys beyond living and loving publicly; it also brings freedom from this kind of coercion. It gives bad actors no way to use your sex life against you. When I was in the closet, anyone who knew my secret had power over me. Coming out reclaimed that power. I was free. I believe everyone, if they can, should come out. Youll be happier on the other side I promise.But back to your question: With all the risk and work that goes into it, is sex worth it? Sex carries physical and emotional risk. Its hard to be sexually active without getting an STI at least once. Its hard to have beautiful, intimate experiences and not get your heart broken. And its impossible to have a gay or queer sex life without confronting the old enemy of happiness shame.Sex is full of wonders and pitfalls. It can take years before you feel confident doing it. So its fair to ask: With all that risk and effort, is sex worth it?Ive heard many answers to this sex people (I was a sex worker for years) talk about it a lot. Invariably, someone compares it to food. Like this: If a person has never had ice cream and doesnt want it, is their life worse for abstaining? Are they missing out?Maybe not. But that comparison is faulty.Sex is not like ice cream. Its not, despite how you view it, a drug. Sex is a core biological impulse one of few things humans are wired to do and want. It shapes religion, culture, art, and every industry. Its one of the foundational human experiences that unites us across time and culture. Sapphos poetry still moves gay women two thousand years later, and I cry at images of male skeletons from ancient times, still holding each other.I cant know what life was like for a peasant in the Dark Ages or a man in a hunter-gatherer tribe, but I know how desire feels that dull flame of fear and lust that swells in me when I see a beautiful naked man. I know its the same ancient thing men like me have felt for thousands of years. Its the marker of our big, big family.My desires give me a glimpse into the past and, I hope, the future. They tell me what the most intense adolescent moments felt like for some of the most interesting people who ever lived. Its all the same. Were all the same. Turning away from that isnt equivalent to refusing a drink or scoop of ice cream its refusing something that defines our humanity on this planet. There was lots of messy, painful sex at the start of my sex life. I was new. I regret lots of it. I had much to learn. But when it was good, it felt like my body was finally doing what it was made for. That first kiss, that first fuck I couldnt describe them without invoking poetry, or even prayer. Thats how big it is. Thats a big thing to reject without giving it a fair shot. With all that at stake, the refusal not the sex better be worth it.Youre not wrong for fearing it after a bad first experience. And you are always at any time free to decide hookups arent for you. Plenty of people dont like them. But if assault survivors and victims of abuse can, with therapy, find healthy sex lives again, you can too and they do. Every day, they do.The story youre building around sex that its all hookups, and its only something the experienced enjoy or deserve assumes sex is one thing. It isnt. Hookups, especially ones done with apps, are just a small part of modern sex, and Id argue one of the more stressful versions of it. There are other ways to experience intimacy. Youre rejecting all of them because of Grindr.There is such a thing as slow, intentional, caring sex that happens with trust, and that sex has little in common with the scenario that hurt you. You wont find it on Grindr, and youll find it more easily if you come out.Consider reframing your first experience this way: You learned a hard lesson about safety, boundaries, and consent. That knowledge can make you cautious if you try again and thats good. For now, I strongly recommend therapy. Find someone you can share your feelings with, bound by confidentiality to keep your information private.Abstinence might bring you peace now, but if you wait too long, sex gets harder to learn not impossible, but harder. I cant tell you how many men Ive met who wish theyd been braver when they were young. Try not to confuse this isnt right for me now with sex is meaningless. Sex can be tender, profound, and healing when you feel safe and found within it.Also, lots of people like virgins and everyone is a virgin at some point. The most advanced, piggy gay man you know was once a virgin. Theres no rule saying you cant become like him.Experience doesnt make you desirable. When youre ready, the work of finding people who make you feel safe can begin, and thats the same journey were all on. Were all just looking for the good ones. Thats life, babe.Hey there! Im Alexander Cheves. Im a sex writer and former sex workerI worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.Here, Im offering sex and relationship advice to Outs readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com it may get answered in a future post.