I enjoy your column, and I have a situation.Im in a committed, monogamous relationship with a man 14 years younger. I recently came out after a 25-year marriage to a woman. Following my divorce, my partner and I found each other online, long-distance. We started slowly, as friends learning about each others lives, building trust and a foundation. We shortly exited the apps and turned the relationship romantic. We now live together; my children and my mom get along with my partner very well, and hes become a part of our family; I love him and tell him that often. He is super loving, caring, and concerned about me.We lack penetrative sex and, in particular, me topping him. We used to have sex once or more a week, but in the last several months, thats dwindled to once a month. At the point Im writing this, from a vacation, were now going on five weeks without anything other than handjobs or blowies, and with both, we ultimately are getting ourselves off with the other participating alongside, not penetrative sex. Sex with my partner is a bit laborious. I am large to him (8), so its an undertaking, lets say, to get him ready. Theres also pain; I sense he doesnt like to bottom because of the discomfort, though once Im fully inside, hoping my erection lasts, he seems to enjoy it, but he wont let me go wild on him because it hurts. He doesnt do anything really about the pain or getting ready, such as stretching, poppers, etc. So, more often than not, I end up bottoming, as its easier to get sex going that way, and because I also want to make him happy, and I enjoy bottoming. Plus, he likes me in that position; he enjoys the domination, though afterwards he also tries to persuade me that Im the bottom in the sexual relationship. No, Im really not.Ive racked my brain to try to figure out how to deal with this issue, maintain the relationship, and not hurt his fragile ego. Ive considered ultimatums, asking for hall passes, suggesting finding a third or another couple, and even reentering the apps to talk to other guys about the issue. The solutions involving others concern me because I feel they could erode trust and end up breaking us up. I also think it would hurt his heart for me to suggest that.Bottom line: I came out of a sexless 25-year heteronormative marriage to be authentic and settle for nothing less than personal and sexual fulfillment. How can I maintain a relationship with my partner, who I love so much, and I dont want to lose, without frequent, penetrative sex being involved in our relationship? How do I even broach suggestions about sexual fulfillment from others with him, if thats what I am to do?Sincerely,Frustrated.Hey Frustrated, Yeah, thats frustrating. I wonder if, in all the time you spent chatting online, you talked at length about sex? Based on your question, Id say your partner just isnt into bottoming. In fact, he seems opposed to it and seems to prefer being dominant in bed. He may not have been aware of this when you were chatting over long distance, so he might not have communicated these desires so well. But hes giving you every sign that hes not into it hes even trying to designate you as the bottom in your relationship. Waving aside the (false) assumption that every gay relationship needs a bottom and a top, hes all but explicitly stated what he wants you to be and that, paired with his obvious discomfort and displeasure in receptive anal sex, makes me think youre dating a top who is willing on rare occasions to bottom for you because he cares about you, but not because he wants to. And it sounds like youre the same. Your message makes it clear that some great aspects of this relationship make it worth preserving. Hes a loving partner. Your family likes him. Hes attentive and caring. If your relationship is solid, it sounds like youre able to talk about things and communicate well that is the core, necessary ingredient of all happy couples so why are you nervous to share these feelings and frustrations with him? If hes a good partner, hell be willing to talk, patiently and kindly, about all this as, indeed, he must. You should be bringing these concerns to him. I know many gay romantic pairings of men who both prefer to top. None are monogamous. Sorry, but thats how it is. If neither of you desires bottoming, you have limited options: 1) every time you want to have penetrative sex, one of you must reluctantly bottom, and without this being the desired option, it makes sense that the amount of penetrative sex youre having would decrease over time; 2) you can rock a total bottoms world by sharing and gang-banging the shit out of him all night, together; or 3) you can both have sex with others who satisfy your respective desires and go home to each other every night to enjoy all the closeness and intimacy you already have, with your sex needs met elsewhere. Sure, theres a fourth option, too: You can break up. But that seems needless when you have a great relationship! You might just have to join the countless gay couples that arent totally, 100 percent sexually exclusive. And, yes, that means communicating well talking about feelings of jealousy when they arise (they will) without screaming and slamming doors and being patient and understanding with each other. But these are the exact requirements of all happy, successful relationships. Do not re-enter the apps. Dont do anything without talking to him first about all this. If he does not listen, hear you out, and respond kindly, thats a red flag that he might be unable to have this kind of mature, adult conversation and that doesnt bode well for any relationship, gay or straight, monogamous or otherwise. Im fully with you in the last paragraph of your message. I feel that. Do not settle for anything less than sexual and personal fulfillment that is what we all deserve. He deserves it too. You both deserve the sex you want not the reluctant, only if I have to, take-one-for-the-team sex, but the sex you fantasize about. What are his fantasies? Have you asked him? You guys need to talk about sex honestly, transparently, patiently. To answer your final question, you broach this conversation by saying something like: Hey, we dont need to have this conversation now, but can we schedule a time to sit down and talk about sex? I want to hear your thoughts on it, and I want to share my thoughts too. I dont want this to be rushed, so lets choose a time when were both free for the evening. Thats it. If that sounds serious to him, thats fine it is serious. The stakes are high. Yes, he might respond with insecurity and anger at the mere suggestion of sex with others, and that could end your relationship. But in its current state, your relationship is likely to end anyway youre so sexually dissatisfied that youre considering ultimatums and going on sex apps to talk to random strangers about the issue (please). Youre at the point where something needs to happen. This conversation is it. Hey there! Im Alexander Cheves. Im a sex writer and former sex workerI worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.Here, Im offering sex and relationship advice to Outs readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com it may get answered in a future post.