You give advice, so I'm hoping you might be able to help me. I'm 52 years old, and I'm pretty messed up when it comes to sex. I've got a porn addiction (which I'm seeing a therapist for). I used to be a massive slut back in my 20s and 30s. But the only people I've had sex with in the last three years have been sex workers (on only four occasions). The people I want to have sex with don't want to have sex with me (due to my age), and the people who want to have sex with me, I don't find attractive. I don't know what to do. I'd love to have a relationship (I haven't had one for over 20 years), but clearly that's not going to happen based on my current mental state. Any suggestions? D.Hey D., Im not privy to your therapy sessions, so I dont know what your current mental state is. A porn addiction can be tough, but it can be worked through with a therapist, and you have one. Thats great. Before I answer, I should say this: These questions about dating and sex about the people you want sex with, how you feel about them, and how you believe they see you are things you should bring to your therapist too. Babe, everyone ages. It is a fact of life. It is life. Its not fair that a person can be hedonistic and confident in their youth but later struggle in these arenas that the body gains some things and loses others on its course through life. Thats not fair. But thats the deal of living and the gift and beauty in it. To age well is to find ways to enjoy and appreciate the change. Aging means accepting the lesson that things do change that they are, in fact, constantly changing and always were, both in our bodies and in the world we live in. That means, in less fanciful terms, that even as you were being a slut, you were getting older you just didnt notice it so much and for whatever reason, you see it more now, and you feel like you cant be that slut again. You think the reasons why are purely external basic, skin-deep, physical looks and that hot young guys dont want you because they only want other hot, young guys. You know what? You might be right. Basic, skin-deep, physical looks beauty, body are big parts of gay life. If youre only seeing sexual value in guys who are young and hot, youre doing the same thing theyre doing to you: valuing them purely based on image. Youre allowed to, but so are they. It goes both ways. You might have to be willing to expand your field to include people who dont immediately trigger your desire to guys who dont look like porn stars, who just looknormal. And this might not happen right away: You might have to explore actively, make an effort, and try sex with different kinds of men. Can ones sexual interests (ones type or types) be expanded and changed? Absolutely no question. People do it every day. You are not bound to chase the type of men you chased in your 20s and 30s forever. My god, how boring that would be! There was a period in my life, some years ago, when I decided to actively explore sex with different kinds of people including heavier people, much older people, younger guys (until then, I was not interested in younger guys), and even women. Heres what I learned: Sex can be great with all kinds of people. Chubby guys, older guys, guys with average looks and average bodiesthe sex was just as likely to be awesome with them as with a hot young chiseled stud with an OnlyFans account. I even learned Im not even strictly gay I can enjoy sex with anyone, of any gender, if we have a good connection, good chemistry. These were valuable, beautiful insights about myself, garnered from a period in which I committed to expanding my taste something anyone can do. It just requires effort a willingness to talk, ask, face rejection, and explore sex with others. Cruising culture, in particular, is excellent for this. In-person cruising is so different from the filtered grid of Grindr. Sometimes youre horny and the only guy in the woods with his dick out is someone you would not choose on an app but hes there, youre there, and you both need to get off. Thats beautiful. Thats what cruising is: an egalitarian, ritualized practice that implicitly challenges ones ideas of who and what is sexy. In a cruisy darkroom or cruisy toilet or (even better) a cruisy outdoor area, like a park, sometimes you just have to get off and take what youre given, if youre given anything at all (there might be no one there). Yes, there are risks to in-person cruising: risk of arrest, risk of danger. But the loveliest sex experiences of my life have been from cruising. In cruising the practice of it, the lifestyle a general sense of camaraderie, complicity, and gratitude prevails, and this sense often feels like love to me. Its a communal love for the men who wander into these places looking for fun men like me. Cruising culture is healing. Because, frankly, you need to try sex with people you dont immediately find attractive. Ive had incredible sex with men your age who, by Grindr standards, had average looks but they knew what to do, how its done, and how to make me feel good. Its sad to me that youre robbing yourself of these kinds of experiences by believing you wont enjoy them. One final, crucial question: How do you know the guys youre attracted to dont find you attractive? Have you asked them? All of them? Or are you making a general, sweeping assumption from a few rejections or, worse, from time spent on apps like Grindr? You cant crawl into the consciousness of anyone let alone a whole mass of people (like this general, disinterested hot guys populace you believe exists) and see how they view you. If people could do that, sex and dating would be easier, but we cant. You are trapped in your own mind and can only gauge others interest by what they say and do. It is wrong to assume everyone you put on the pedestal of super sexy will be disinterested in you: Thats projection. Thats your own internal judgement being projected onto them. You might have endured a few or more than a few rejections on Grindr. So have I. So have we all. Babe, get off Grindr. Go to a gay bar. Go to a cruisy darkroom, or gay sex club, or gay video arcade, or literally anywhere men are standing around, in person, checking each other out, and on the prowl. When you see someone really hot and the little voice in your head says he wont like you because of your age, remember thats not coming from him its coming from you, from your own doubt and insecurity. In that moment, try very hard not to listen to that voice. Go up to him. Say hello. Compliment something about him. He might reject you. He might not. This is the fragile, occasionally defeating, and often beautifully rewarding game of human contact. This is cruising. Join the hunt. Hey there! Im Alexander Cheves. Im a sex writer and former sex workerI worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.Here, Im offering sex and relationship advice to Outs readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com it may get answered in a future post.