Dear Alex, I would like to ask you for your opinion. I live with a boyfriend and I hope we get married soon. But during the last year, my boyfriend lost interest in sex. I am a very sexual person, and I miss sex a lot. We talked about it a lot and we agreed that I could go out alone to have sex with others. On the one hand, I really would like to go, because I need to release pressure inside me. On the other hand, I'm not sure if it's good for us. I believe that he will restore his sexuality, and I want to help him. M.Hey M.Heres the thing about feelings: They only happen in you, in your body. You are the only one responsible for them. And it's the same for everyone else.In arguments, people say things like, You made me feel or That made me feel But that's not really how it works. Feelings, like thoughts, arise and exist entirely within the self, and this is arguably what our minds do best. Our minds are thought machines, emotion generators. We have little control over these things, but, with patience and mindfulness, we can relate to them healthily and respond to them more gently.Sorry if all this sounds a little zen, but here's the real-world application: You can support him on his sex journey as a good boyfriend, but his sex drive his thoughts and feelings around having sex with you are not ultimately your responsibility. They're his.This is his mystery, his journey, his puzzle to figure out. And while it's happening, you need to take care of yourself. That means sex with others.His sex engine seems to be turned off. That is probably as troubling for him as it is for you. Thankfully, hes being self-aware and acknowledging that your needs are not being met, and hes doing the next best thing: giving you freedom to meet and play with others a grownup response to a tough (but very common) situation. That's a good sign, a testament to his character.He probably wishes he could do better for you and satisfy you. How can I say that? Because, in romantic relationships, my sex engine goes cold pretty quickly, even with men I love deeply (often because I love them deeply). Therapy has helped me understand why this is so and what I can do about it (look up avoidant attachment style), and understanding helps, but it doesnt fully erase the guilt I feel lying next to a man I love who wants me sexually and not wanting him back not like that. I know how much that hurts him.It's great that he was able to talk to you about this a difficult subject for any couple to discuss. Sure, he may find a way to reignite the spark, but again, that's his journey, not yours. You can keep that as a hoped-for possibility in your mind. But that does not seem to be happening now, so its not the solution now. Right now, you need sex. Even if its uncomfortable at first and brings up feelings of guilt and betrayal, you should absolutely, no-question, take him up on his offer and when those uncomfortable, guilty feelings come, share them with him. Talk through it. Make these feelings part of your relationship, part of your sexual journey together because they are.Even if you two were having sex, your needs would not be his responsibility. They never were. Your needs, your emotions, and your arousal are your stuff, not his. In monogamous relationships, people choose to let one person (their partner) be their main source of pleasure. In non-monogamous relationships, people choose to satisfy their needs with more than one person. But the power of choice is still only yours. The captain of the ship, in both (and all) types of relationships, is you.Captain, you need to take care of the ship. Man your own turf. Manage your own pleasure. More than threatening your bond with him, it's far likelier this will make you more present and less anxious in your relationship, and better able to support him.I understand feeling conflicted about this, but in my view, the only thing that could be truly detrimental for your relationship is doing nothing. If you let all that desire, that pressure, bottle up, you might one day find it has turned to anger and resentment, and then youre in trouble. Ethical non-monogamy is, in essence, a way of doing relationships that does not sever sex from love but allows these things to live separately and be satisfied with different people in order to keep the relationship going. This requires honesty, emotional transparency, patience, and understanding the same things all healthy relationships need.Humans need sex. You need sex. When we are denied sex too long, we eventually act out often without knowing why we are upset. Eventually, the beast comes out. You might cheat. You might start having fights about things that, on the surface, have nothing to do with sex you might not even know why you are fighting. I promise: Its because a fundamental human need is being cut off.The smarter thing to do: Try sex with others. Agree beforehand how much you want to talk about it and how much disclosure is expected. Do not let him backtrack or change his mind after he feels that first pang of jealousy. Hold your ground and tell him this is what you need to stay together (it is).The fact is, sexual neglect is a justifiable reason to end a relationship. Sex with others can save it.Hey there! Im Alexander Cheves. Im a sex writer and former sex workerI worked in the business for over 12 years. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out and my book My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, from Unbound Edition Press. But be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is "not for squeamish readers.In the past, I directed (ahem) adult videos and sold adult products. I have spoken about subjects like cruising, sexual health, and HIV at the International AIDS Conference, SXSW, the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and elsewhere, and appeared on dozens of podcasts.Here, Im offering sex and relationship advice to Outs readers. Send your question to askbeastly@gmail.com it may get answered in a future post.