My name is Alexander Cheves. I write about sex and culture with a focus on gay and queer men. For many years, I was a gay escort. Now I write about sex, relationships, and nightlife. You can read my sex-and-culture column Last Call in Out Magazine, and my book, "My Love Is a Beast: Confessions," an erotic memoir from Unbound Edition Press, but be warned: Kirkus Reviews says the book is not for squeamish readers.Why sex? Because its important. For gay, bisexual, queer, and questioning men, sex is often a subject mired in shame and misinformation. This story aims to counter that, with sex-positive, shame-free advice from my own experience along with words and tips from various expertsresearchers, therapists, sex workers, and other professionals.I dont love the word "blowjob." A serious job deserves a serious description, and blowjob sounds a bit silly. But for better or worse, its the term people use the most. "Giving head" sounds more adult, more cool. The phrase is subtle enough to slip into a Leonard Cohen lyric ("Chelsea Hotel No. 2") but still explicit, still dirty. It is, after all, something given, a service rendered.Regardless how you describe itblowjobs, giving head, sucking someone offthis slideshow is about how to do it better and enjoy it.Pro-level headmasters will tell you the only prerequisite to great blowjobs is enjoyment. You have to love it. Thankfully, some of them have shared their secrets, and various experts have weighed in: here are tips for giving great head.1. Dont stress. Youre doing great, sweetie.Giving head is hotfor giver and recipientbut it can be awkward and tricky too, especially if its big.Dont expect to be perfect in the beginning. Sex educator Gigi Engle explains that good oral sex takes practice and self-trustnobody is a natural. Everyone improves with time, experience, and open communication.The experts at BetterHealth, an Australian one-stop-shop for health news and articles, write: Oral sex, like all types of sex, takes practice. Sex should be enjoyable. Being intimate in your sexual relationships may make you feel vulnerable and can take time. You need to be able to trust each other and discuss openly what your needs are.I had a lot of anxiety about the quality of my blowjobs until many years into my sex life. To learn, I did what anyone can do: I talked to my sex partners and asked for tips, techniques, and feedback. Some talented guys with great head skills taught me how its donevia live demonstration. As legendary queer sex coach Marla Renee Stewart says: Sex is an educationand good sex happens when people show each other what they like.2. Slow down.Draw it out. Dont just dive onto a dick and try to take it all the way to the base. That can cause injury to your throat, and it rushes the slow, tantalizing thrill of oral sex.People tend to rush into sex because of nervousnessand because porn has convinced us since the 1970s that sex happens quickly, methodically, with regular pacing and step-by-step coordination. According to gay porn, sex goes like this: you make out, take off your clothes, give each other head, and try three or four different penetrative sex positions before everyone orgasms (ideally at the same time or close to it) with a big, splattery load on someones face or in their buttthe money shot. Thats porn, not life. Slow down. 3. If you're getting sucked, some anxiety is normal.Most penis-bearers have insecurities about their size and performance. Our culture glorifies big penises and erections that last hours. Porn has changed all our expectations about how the body works.In truth, erections are fickle. Anxiety, age, depression, hormonal changes, certain health conditions, and various medications can make erections difficult or impossible to achieve and sustain. Dr. Emily Jamea has worked as a sex and relationship therapist for over a decade. She writes in Psychology Today that most people who call her office are men struggling with performance issues. Men (and women) put a lot of pressure on male partners to easily attain an erection and sustain it for a long period of time, she writes. These kinds of expectations create immense anxiety for men that theyll let their partners down if, say, they dont live up to the standard depicted in movies or (worse) pornography. Often she can identify a health issue or medication that may be contributing to the problem. Other times, she simply explains the role that external stress (like pressure at work) has on the bodys ability to respond sexually.So, what to do? Talking to a doctor is always a good idea, but talking to your partner is important, too. Sex should be talked about. It will not be perfect every time and its best to acknowledge those imperfections as they come. Good sex requires practice, feedback, an open mind, and a playful, adventurous spiritand, most importantly, honesty. Dr. Jamea also suggests a common, hidden cause of erection struggles: feelingspositive ones (deepening connection, love) and negative ones (doubt, uncertainty about the relationship). An erection struggle might be a cue to examine how you feel about someone. Or, it might just be a sign you should talk to your doctor. Dont feel bad if you cant stay hard during oral sex. Its good to be vulnerable: tell your partner how you feel. 4. Foreplay is great, but stop thinking of it as "foreplay.""Foreplay" describes erotic acts that arouse and titillate you and your partner prior to some kind of penetrative sex. Various sex acts, including oral sex, are often put in this category, as if they are somehow not real sexnot complete sex acts on their own.Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says: Foreplay is sex. It counts. It matters. And for a lot of people, its the most pleasurable part. Some people can't have penetrative sex, due to various health conditions. For others, penetrative sex is not pleasurable. Side is a term that emerged in recent years to describe gay and queer men who enjoy sex, just not anal sex (its now the third option next to top and bottom). The term side was coined in 2013 by sex therapist and author Dr. Joe Kort, who has championed the words use and pushed gay dating and hookup platforms like Grindr to include side as an option. (In 2022, Grindr did.) The now-widespread prevalence of men identifying as sides tells us that warmup sex is sex. A good blowjobor a nice cuddle session, or simply making outis sex. Its a complete sexual experience. 5. Get in the right headspace.The best head-givers are those who move on a mission. Sex coach Gigi Engle writes on her kinky advice site, Oral sex is not just physicalits mental. You have to want to do it to enjoy doing it.Headspace is everything. I do some advanced stuff for fun, like fisting and heavy BDSM, and Ive learned that the most essential part of my preparation for these more extreme sex acts is getting in the right mental space for thema step that can be overlooked with all the physical preparation that can be involved. Regardless if I have all the accoutrementsall the lube, all the toys, all the gearif my mind isnt in there, its not happening.Ive learned this is true for less extreme sex, too. Even when a man just wants to cuddle, I have to get in cuddle mode. If my mind resists it, its not the right time, and we should reschedule.If you want to get better at giving head, explore what dick-sucking mode feels like for you. What changes in your body? What images play in your mind? What memories do you recall? Its always good to check in and see if youre really in the mood. 6. Try dirty talk.If youre sucking dick, you might not be talking very much, but some dirty talk can make any sexual experience better. Many people feel awkward trying dirty talk, but like any sex skill, you will improve with practice. Read this helpful guide on dirty talk in Verywell. 7. Every dick has its own natural flavor -- don't be afraid of it.The person receiving a blowjob should wash their penis beforehand. But no matter how much they clean, every dick has a natural smelland a natural taste, too. Healthline notes that you can use a wet paper towel or unscented wipes if you want to freshen up on the fly, but you should avoid perfumes and deodorants in the area, since these are generally not genital friendlyor necessary. 8. Start with the clothes on.Taking off clothes can be one of the hottest parts of sexdon't rush it. Touch everywhere except intimate areas. When you finally rub the crotch, you know you're doing it right when you hear that audible gasp.Relationship expert Dr. Laura Berman explains: Sensuality builds best through anticipation. Slow reveals create intense psychological arousal. Massage the dick through the pants for a little bitgently. Make a show of pulling it out. Do this slowly, and if there is an elastic waistband, make sure you don't accidentally release it while pulling down the underwearthis can hurt your partner and interrupt the moment. Look at the dick before you dive. Study it. Pro tip: Give it a little kiss. 9. Flick the frenulum.A classic trick. The frenulum is the underside of the penis head, usually the most sensitive part of the penis. The Kinsey Institutes Dr. Justin Lehmillerauthor of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Lifesays: The frenulum is one of the most erotically charged areas of the penis, and stimulating it can produce a rapid and intense response. I always start by kissing the tip of the penisthe headthen moving down to the underside with my tongue. I'll move up and down the shaft with a series of light, gentle kisses before licking the rest. This helps me get an idea of its size, texture, and smell (the hottest part for me) and gives me a little time to build up some saliva.When you're ready, start with gentle flicks on the frenulum with the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth, up and down, slowly creeping your lips up over his head, then backing off. The heat from your mouth and your breath will build anticipationthe dick will practically be begging you to slide it in your mouth.10. Pay attention to how their body responds.Just like all sex, good head happens best once you've reached that post-language space where words fall away. Talking becomes irrelevant, clumsy. Animal soundsgroans, gasps, moans, and growlstake over.In his book Sex Outside the Lines, sex therapist (and my personal friend) Dr. Chris Donaghue, who identifies as queer, writes, The most erotic experiences often happen beyond languagethrough attunement, touch, and unspoken feedback. Keep talking to a minimum. If your partner tells you they like something, keep doing it, and you can always ask things like, Does that feel good? But this is not the time to make a big, heavy confession or talk about the rent. Talking takes us out of our bodies and back into our headsand right now, you want to do the opposite. Don't ask your sex partner to say when they are getting closethat makes it seem like you're waiting for them to cum, and that can create performance anxiety. Remember: If someone is enjoying themselves, they may not say anything. They may just be breathing deeply, moaning, and enjoying it. The dick will tell you what feels good. If it jumps and throbs, it's happy. If it's leaking precum, it's very happy. Don't have a countdown clock in your head. Just enjoy it, and don't worry about time.11. Suckers: blowjobs are for your pleasure, too.All sex is for pleasureeven sex that involves submission and domination, in which one person surrenders control to another.Good sex is about doing what feels good, and for some people that means surrendering control. Clinical sexologist Dr. Megan Stubbs affirms this: Pleasure should always be mutual, and your own enjoyment enhances the entire experienceespecially in oral sex. Don't frame dick sucking in your mind as something solely done for your partners pleasure. Even if you submit controleven if you attempt more heavy, extreme oral sex, like face-fuckingthis is still your time to intimately enjoy dick. Relish in the experience of it, and if it stops being enjoyable, stop. 12. Consent always matters.Planned Parenthood outlines five aspects of consent that must be present for it to be considered consentwhat it calls the FRIES model.Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if youve done it before, and even if youre both naked in bed.Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says theyll use a condom and then they dont, there isnt full consent.Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel youre expected to do.Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesnt mean youve said yes to others (like having sex).For oral sex, this means that consenting to oral sex can be rescinded at any timeyou are always free to stop. 13. Use lots of spit!Spit is great! Sex educator Gigi Engle, who writes sex advice for Refinery29, writes that saliva is natures lube. Dont be afraid to get messyits part of the turn-on.Heres a fact: At some point, your mouth will dry out. A nice guy will add their saliva and contribute to the store of spit you have at your disposaleither by spitting in your mouth or spitting on his dickbut these (appreciated) moves are not guaranteed. For this reason, you cannot stay on the dick the whole time. Take breaks. Rub it on your face, lick or suck the balls (one of my favorite things to do), change positions, or just take a pause. These little breaks give you a chance to build up some saliva and breathe a bit before starting again.14. Don't expect something in return. Sex isn't a trade-off.Oral sex is not a chore you have to get through in order to get something back. Therapist and author Dr. Alexandra Solomon at Northwestern University says: True intimacy happens when we let go of sexual scorekeeping and embrace presence over performance.Many people see oral sex this wayas a cursory, prescribed action that generates an equal return, either reciprocal oral sex or some kind of penetration. This mentality will make you rush through it to get to the "main event." If that's your outlook (it's perfectly fine to simply not enjoy oral sex), skip it and focus on what you really want to do.15. Use your tongue...You may be limited as to how well you can lick the dick once it's inside your mouth. The size of the dick and the size of your mouth will determine how much you can doa larger dick will make you less able to maneuver your tongue around it. That's fine. Your tongue can still feel great. Licking the head, shaft, balls, and taint (the space of skin between the butthole and testicles) can be just as intense as sucking dick. As Dr. Ian Kerner notes: Tongue movement is a key part of oral stimulationcircling, flicking, and pressure all create layered sensations.16. ... and your breath.Practice sucking in air. Doing this pulls your cheeks against your teeth and tightens the space inside your mouth, creating a kind of vacuum suction that feels great.Obviously you cannot hold your breath for a nonstop inhale. That's not possible and would not be pleasurable. Practice breathing, particularly out of your nose, while the dick is in your mouth and slowly get comfortable doing so. If you have to stop, pause, and just breathe while keeping it in and getting adjusted, do soit'll be hot for you, and hot for your partner to watch you adjust to it. Breath matters in other ways too. Paying attention to your partners breath during any kind of sex is a great way to gauge their pleasure. Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior highlights the importance of paying attention to nonverbal cues like someones breathing patterns during sex. These subtle cues can communicate arousal and engagement better than words can.17. It's OK if you have a gag reflex. Most people do.As things start to go into our throat, most people have a gag reflex that makes us close up our throat. This is how we choke. Start gentle and practice breathing with his dick inside your mouth. As it moves to the back of your mouth, try to keep breathing normally. You'll know where you start to feel uncomfortable.18. You don't have to deep throat -- but it can be fun.It's fun to push the limit of how far you can swallow a cock. I think it's hot to choke on someone's dickand your sex partner will probably think so, too. But there is a safety limit.Don't push it too much or you might hurt yourself. Deep-throatingsliding a cock past the larynx into the throatshould not be seen as the ideal version of oral sex or a goal you must move toward. Not everyone can deep-throat, and not everyone should. Tissue trauma can cause problems back there, so don't be too rough. While deep-throating can be pleasurable, its essential to approach it with caution. The posterior pharynx (back of the throat) is sensitive, and excessive friction can lead to irritation or soreness, and pain after oral sex is likely due to friction, not size. Be gentle.19. Avoid commercially advertised oral sex sprays.I generally don't recommend people using any of the oral sex throat sprays, which are essentially chloraseptic sprays. Most are filled with some kind of topical anesthetic that numbs the skin at the back of the throat for a few minutes, allowing you to deep-throat.Numbing the skin will mask pain, but pain isn't something you necessarily want to avoid. Pain is often a sign of injury or skin trauma. I steer clear of these products for the same reason I dissuade people from using desensitizing anal lubebecause you don't want to power through your body's natural limits. That's how people get hurt. 20. Use your hands, too.Stroke the base of his dick while licking and sucking the tip. I use a method that combines a handjob and a blowjobwrapping my fingers around the dick and keeping my lips close to my hand, creating one fluid sleeve between my lips and my fingers. When I drop my mouth downward, to the base of the cock, my fingers splay outward in a kind of downward stroke, and as I suck back up the shaft, my hand follows, stroking upward. Its a magic blowjob method that was taught to me by a progive it a try.Additionally, a simple handjob is a great way to vary up the sensation and give your mouth a rest. And ball playgentle tugging, sucking, and touchingcan feel great. The only thing you really need to be wary of is your teeth, but more on that later.21. Don't focus entirely on the blow job.Mid-blowjob, I often get worried about my performance and skill. Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Nazanin Moali says: When you shift focus to your own pleasure, performance anxiety fadesand partners feel more connected and arousedTo refocus and get out of my nerves, I focus on my own pleasure, my own mouth, and how this experience feels for me. Letting go and letting my body and my mouth simply explore him will create better sex. Trusting my own sensation may mean that I at some point stop sucking and migrate to a rim job, or I may want to focus on his balls for a bit. The focus is pleasuremineand not the specific sex act.22. Be cautious with teeth.When youre new to giving head, avoid teeth altogether. Ill never forget the worst blow job of my lifethe next morning I had purple teeth marks on my dick. As sex coach Kenneth Play advises, Always create a soft seal with your lips. Teeth should never touch skinunless its consensual and negotiated.Usually, when youre too eager, aggressive, or suck too hard, your teeth may come into contact with the skin of the penis, and this can hurt. The skin of the penis is very thin, delicate, and extremely sensitive. Hard objects like teeth can cause pain and even leave marks. Its sometimes hard to avoid teeth, especially if its a big one. Try wrapping your lips around your teeth as a barrier, or focus on the tip, around the head, where its easier to avoid teeth-to-skin contact, and let your hand take over at the base. (Here is more info on this technique.)23. The easiest positions are usually best.Sorry, sixty-nine fans. Sixty-nining (when you both are sucking each other) looks hot in porn, but in reality it is very uncomfortable and very difficult to do. Sex educator Gigi Engle says that mutual oral looks better than it feels for most people. Its OK to prioritize comfort over visuals.Every time I try sixty-nine, I have a hard time concentrating on what I'm doing and call it quits. And if there's a substantial height difference between you and your playmate, it will probably not work.Sometimes even being on your knees is hard. When in doubt, let him lie on the bed, ideally with his head and shoulders propped up on a pillow, and take over. Lie on the bed between his legs, take his dick in your hand, and start playing with it. This Mens Health guide outlines the various oral sex positions that are popular and notes that some are easier than others.24. There's no rule saying you have to reach orgasm.Blow jobs aren't about orgasm. I rarely orgasm from a blowjob. If you don't want to let him to cum in your mouth or don't want to swallow it, don't.And if you want to make your partner orgasm and swallow his load, great! If you dont, thats no problemmany people simply dont like the taste of cum. Communicate your boundaries and limits with your sex partner. You never have to do something you don't want to do, and you won't be a failure if you don't. Blow jobs are not about making someone cumthey're about creating pleasure for both parties. That's it.25. There is a time limit.You'll know when you've reached your limit. Again, most guys can't stay hard forever, and you can't suck forever. Certified sex educator Luna Matatas says: Its perfectly fine to pause, break, or stoppleasure isnt a performance.With oral sex, its important to take frequent breaks, and when it's done, let it be done. There's no defeat in enjoying each other, even if that's only for a few minutes.26. Never shame someone for their inability to stay hard.Many men struggle to maintain erections for long periods of time, for a number of reasons. Many see their worth, sexiness, and dignity tied to their ability to hold an erection. The fact is, all men and all penis-wielders have body issues and body insecurity.There's so much more to sex than having an erection and putting it somewhere. Sex is a buffet table of countless different intimate, powerful experiencesmany of which do not involve erections or ejaculation. Explore the rest! 27. Make noises.Ideally without words. Moans, groans, grunts, and gasps are the language of sex and desire. Emitting sounds of pleasure tell him you're loving it.28. Try the more intense stuff -- with caution.In power exchange, the one getting sucked naturally has the position of power, while the one giving head has the submissive role.Sometimes it's really, really hot to increase that power exchange and let him fuck your facethere are a variety of positions to do this in. Face-fucking is objectifying, intense, degrading, and sexy, but since it can be a bit rougher (and obviously involves deep-throating) it is not without some risks. If at any point you see blood, stop. Legendary sex educator and Shibari bondage master Midori writes: Erotic surrender isnt about passivityits about trust, control, and letting your partner fully inhabit their desire.29. Try some role reversal.I usually focus on dick sucking as an act of submission (I'm a natural sub). But sucking is for dominant folks tooespecially when it's combined with kinks like edging, milking, and cum control.Having someone please your dick orally is intense, especially when you're bound. Edging is the popular fetish of tying someone up and pleasing their dick with your mouth, hands, and maybe some toys like vibratorsbut delaying the orgasm, sometimes for hours on end, at which point the withholding becomes a form of pleasurable torture. Milking is the practice of making a man (or anyone with a prostate) orgasm via prostate stimulationmassaging the prostate, located a few inches inside the anus, until they blow a load. This kind of orgasm is very intense and hands-freemany say it's the strongest orgasm they experience, which is why so many sex toy companies have started manufacturing prostate-play toys. 30. Play smart to prevent STIs.Compared to other kinds of sex, the STI risk associated with oral sex is relatively low, but all sex contains some risk. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention outline all ways you can contract an STI from oral sex along with ways to prevent them. Risk-aware, informed play is smart play.