My 20s came and went as fast as a guy from Tinder whose name I cant remember. I thought I would have it all figured out by now, but theres still so much I dont understand. Like what does having steez mean, and is it a good thing or a bad thing? All I know is that I am getting older, and its scary as hell.Turning 30 as a trans woman comes with a lot of rational fears about the future. Will my body age like a male? Will my hair growth after all these years be for nothing if something ends up making me lose hair anyway? Will my breasts ever get bigger, or am I stuck with these A, sometimes B on a good day, cups? Will trans people younger than me have it easier than I did, or is history going to repeat itself? I dont have the answers to any of these questions, and that terrifies me. It is scary to think that the progress that has been made could eventually fade away. Related Legendary poet Nikki Giovanni was my hero. Then I accidentally outed her. The backlash was swift. Whats often missing from the conversation about aging and trans people is the regret and sadness from those of us who start our transition a bit later in life. I began mine at 22. I have only been living as Kristina for eight years, only eight, and yet already Im 30. I feel like Im trapped in some new iteration of Benjamin Button. Never Miss a Beat Subscribe to our newsletter to stay ahead of the latest LGBTQ+ political news and insights. Subscribe to our Newsletter today Trans people often have to navigate this world without any help. Before we know it, were thrown in and we cant get those previous years back. Its funny. When I was younger I felt older, and now that Im older, I feel younger. There are many parts of my life before 22 that feel hazy and dreamlike. When I think back, it feels like I wasnt even there, or like I was distant and constantly distracted. I didnt get to experience what most young people did. I didnt have a high school sweetheart that I was madly in love with, I didnt go to my senior prom or have senior photos taken, I didnt apply for colleges or work hard because I didnt want my successes to be attributed to my former self. Every day just felt the same; I had no breath of life.I have felt more alive in these past eight years than I ever did in those 22, but I still cant help but feel remorse for a lot of that time that now feels wasted. I used my mid- and late 20s to experience much of what I missed from experiencing sex for the first time with someone I loved, to going back to school, to making lasting friends, and finally finding an outlet for my creativity. I am thankful that I was able to begin this journey when I did, as I know there are plenty of trans people who dont have that opportunity until much later, if at all. But as I made memories and experienced so much for the first time, I also missed out on establishing closer connections with those who were already in my life. My stepfather passed away on New Years Day last year, and I often think about how I would have liked to talk more with him as Kristina. He had been in my life for over 15 years, and it saddens me that we didnt get to establish a father/daughter bond. Aging while trans is complicated. Even though I am getting to live what is essentially a new life, everyone else around me is still also getting older, and its difficult for me to grasp. I dont feel 30; I still feel like I am in my early 20s, and part of me expects everyone I love to be put on pause.The only part of my transition that I regret is not identifying and understanding it sooner so I could have started living my life earlier. It makes me furious that younger trans people are facing legislation against them that would prevent that from happening. It could avoid so much heartache. Now that Im 30, I have also been thinking about how I would navigate the dating scene if my partner and I were ever to separate. Dating is already impossibly difficult, and throwing being 30 and trans into the mix feels like a recipe for loneliness. Ive only ever been in three relationships, so the chances of another one feel pretty slim. What will make it even harder is the current anti-trans climate perpetuated by far-right extremists. How we can expect to find love when people are calling us degenerate and doing everything they possibly can to make us come across as wicked?When I was younger, I was much heavier than I am today. I used food to cope with a lot of my distress. At one point, I was almost 300 pounds. I knew I needed to make changes, and thankfully, hormones helped greatly with losing weight. I fear that weight may come back, and I fear that it will make me appear how I looked pre-transition. When it comes to diet and exercise, Ive always felt like I have had to try harder than all the other women around me, and now that I have reached 30, Ill likely have to try even harder. Im tired.Getting older frightens me, but I know I am in a better place now than I ever have been. Whatever may come, I will take it in stride. Heres to another 30 and more.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.