Jane Wickline isn't just Saturday Night Live's breakout newcomer this season, she's also a hard hitting journalist trying to get to the bottom of this year's greatest mystery: Why is no one speculating about Sabrina Carpenter's sexuality?"I'm a huge Sabrina Carpenter fan, so I'll be doing a song as her," introduced Wickline to 'Weekend Update' cohost Colin Jost. Is she in lingerie and a big blonde wig? No. Is the song reminiscent of any of Carpenter's music? Well, also no. It's much closer to Wickline's other 'Weekend Update' hit about overstaying your welcome at a party by magnitudes. While it's missing any of Carpenter's visual or auditory trademarks, make no mistake, Wickline is Sabrina Carpenter."Well, a lot of people like to start these juicy gay rumors about whether pop stars are gay, and this is a new song that I, Sabrina Carpenter, wrote called 'When Will Even One Person Do That About Me?'" said Wickline. Cue keyboard!The song makes some excellent points! Lyrical highlights include the opener, stating, "Taylor Swift sings about a crush on her best friend/ And you all cry 'lesbian' 'cause she didn't phrase it 'my boy best friend'" and "Harry [Styles] wears rainbow pants/ You write 50 articles about it." But what kind of treatment does Carpenter get? "I make out with Jenna Ortega passionately and everyone's like 'I heard this song is about Shawn Mendes.'" (@) Wickline also brings up that Carpenter's Christmas album is called what? That's right, Fruitcake. Pretty suspect. And! Carpenter's sapphic smooching didn't stop at Ortega: "I also made out with a girl alien at the VMAs/ NOTHING!" she sings.@nowShe kissed an alien and she liked it #sabrinacarpenter #sabrinacarpenteredit #sabrinacarpentermusic #sabrinacarpentertaste #taste #espresso #sabrinacarpenterespresso #carpenters #sabrinacarpenterfan #shortnsweet #shortnsweetlyrics #vmas #vmas2024 #vmasperformance #vmas2024sabrina #sabrinacarpenterliveBut it's not really about actually being gay, Wickline points out, it's about seeming mysterious and unknowable while in the public eye. She delivered the thesis of the song, singing, Help me/ Just tell me what Im doing wrong/ Why am I the only straight pop star/ Taken at their word?/ Its lonely/ I do gay stuff and you dont get mad/ I just want the same treatment/ I want to have mystique/ Why dont you think Im either bi or pretending that I might be/ Im not bi or pretending, but why does no one think Im lying/ I just want you to think I might have secrets."While it hasn't worked yet, the best way to get fans to think Carpenter might have secrets is to keep doing gay stuff. I think Carpenter should up the ante. If Carpenter's sultry "Last Christmas" duet with Chappell Roan wasn't enough, maybe they'll kiss during the ball drop on New Year's Eve. Then again, my professional advice in most circumstances is "do more gay stuff," so maybe Carpenter should get a second opinion.Enjoy Wickline's full performance below.See on Instagram