Whats the gold star for?Simply put, a gold star lesbian is a lesbian who has never slept with a man. So, whats the problem? Why does this phrase need to die? Take a look at the following 10 reasons.1. It's another attempt to control womenAlthough some lesbians wear the term with pride, a lot also feel like its offensive. The current climate already aims to control womens reproductive systems, and the gold star that there are right and wrong ways for women to have sex. You deserve a gold star any time you have sex with whomever and however YOU choose to. Period.2. It reinforces negative LGBTQIA+ stereotypesThe gold star term also reinforces the idea that anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum can choose who they would like to have sex with. By asking why they havent had sex with the opposite gender, it insinuates they have a desire theyre simply not acting on, and thats simply not the truth.3. It places value on some sexual experiences above others.Most of us can probably agree that its totally weird and creepy to place a huge amount of value on the virginity of women and girls (virginity meaning, typically, penis-in-vagina hetero sex), because women dont lose value when they lose their virginity. The whole gold star lesbian thing places those same values of purity on lesbians who havent slept with men. A womans value shouldnt have anything to do with whom she has or hasnt slept with, regardless of what community shes in.4. There are plenty of lesbians who have slept with menand guess what? Theyre still lesbians.We live in a messed up heteronormative world that puts enormous pressure on women to partner up with men, and some lesbians do just that before they come out. It doesnt change the fact that those lesbians are still only attracted to women, and we shouldnt imply their sexuality is less legitimate, or that their attraction to women is any less pure.5. It plays into the narrative that bi women have less pure intentions when they date women.The idea that never sleeping with a man is the standard we should all strive to live up to plays into the idea that bisexual women are less desirable for lesbians to date, since theyre not as pure in their sexual desires or experiences.6. It can make it more difficult for rape survivors to talk about their experiences.Placing so much value on the gold star can make lesbians who have never had sex with men, but who have been raped by men, feel far more uncomfortable talking about their experience with other lesbians, because the gold star is so tied into ideas of status and purity.7. It can be used to justify transphobia.While gold star lesbian really just means a lesbian who has never slept with a man, penis is often equated with man in lesbian communities, and invoking the gross out effect of certain genitalia in gold star conversations is common. (We see it played for humor in online videos where lesbians touch a penis for the first time.) Heres the thing: no one really cares what genitalia your girlfriend has, and no one really cares who you date. But dont exclude trans lesbians, or the cis lesbians who date them from your definition of ideal or real lesbians.8. It centers men again.We know what you're thinking, doesn't rewarding lack of sex with men with a "gold star" decenter them? No ma'am it brings them back into the conversation unnecessarily. AGAIN. 9. Hierarchy undermines queer solidarityIf right about now your distrust and distaste for cis men is at an all-time high, we get it. The desire to distance yourself from them and make a statement about how much you aren't fucking with them of fucking them for that matter is absolutely understandable. Just make sure that it's not done in a way that undermines queer solidarity by creating a hierarchical dynamic in our Sapphic community. Our future may be uncertain, but our need for community is not. 10. Because fuck the gender binary, that's why.At the end of the day, this kind of thinking is so pass. We are queer, we are nonconformist, we are punk rock and rebellious against the status quo by our very nature. Love who you want, fuck you who want, and identify as you are. Don't let anyone put you in a box, even if it comes with a pretty gold star.