As gay/bi men, we didn't learn much in sex ed.Sex is such a taboo topic in school as it is, but anything on the LGBTQ+ spectrum is definitely unheard of. We may have had a generalized overview of STIs and some contraceptives, but everything else is up to us to explore.Whether you're new to gay sex or looking to explore and deepen your experience, here are 101 tips that you certainly didn't learn in sex ed.1. Theres more to sex than anal penetrationTheres a focus in mainstream media on penetrative sex. It has to P-in-B, otherwise it doesnt count as real sex. This is ridiculous. Define sex for yourself. Dont let society define it for you.2. It's okay to vocalize and explore your fantasies... and to say no to ones you're uncomfortable withTheres going to be someone out there whos into what you are, and others who are going to have their own preferences, likes, and dislikes. If youve always wanted to get tied up, dont be afraid to say so. If you want to bring some toys in the bedroom or explore with anything thats been calling to you, dont be afraid to say so.On the flip side, consent matters here, too. Weve already talked about that in general, but dont try to force someone into doing something they dont want to, and conversely dont ever feel like you have to indulge in someone elses fantasies if you dont want to, either.3. Its healthy and normal to be kinkyEveryone has something a little kinky that theyre interested in. Some men explore that kink while other men dont. But its completely healthy and normal to be interested in something a little more atypical. Dont judge yourself for your desires.4. Explore your sexualityNot only do you have kinks and fetishes, you should explore them. Id go as far as to say nothing is unhealthy, as long as its performed in a safe and consensual manner, and doesnt extend outside of the bedroom in unhealthy ways. I used to judge myself for some of my more intense desires, but then I learned others have the same desires. Find the person thats right for you whos also interested in your sexual fantasies. Then explore them safely.5. Never do anything risky for sexWhen youre younger sex seems like the most important thing in the world. It also seems scarce. Sex isnt scarce. Ever. You can have as much sex as you want (especially if you dont care who youre having sex with). Theres never a reason to put yourself in a dangerous situation for sex.6. You can never use too much lubeLube if your best friend. Sex hurts without proper lubrication. While the anus does have some natural lubricants its seldom enough to be enjoyable without an additional form of lubricant.7. Safe sex is sexy sexSTIs run rampant. While sex-ed courses focus on STIs more than anything else, most dont focus on the importance of condoms for your psyche. Many queer men have thought about HIV or other STIs during sex, especially, when not wearing a condom. That sort of anxiety-ridden sex is not going to be fun. Thats the last thing you want to have on your mind during sex. You want to be able to enjoy it and not worry about STIs. Thats why safe sex is sexy. It allows you to relax and enjoy sex without thinking about HIV (or other STIs).8. Age is just a numberBut do, for the love of God, abide by the legal age limit. I meant more on the upper end on the spectrum, age is just a number. Sex with older men (and younger men) can be a lot of fun. Older men tend to have more experience than you, and they can teach you a thing or two in the sack. Dont be ageist. Go for the silver fox.9. Try multiple lubes, and then splurge on the one you likeThe KY jelly sold at CVS was okay when you were masturbating as a 16 year-old, but as an adult, its important to find the type of lube you enjoy. Is it water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based? Lube has the capacity to take your sex life to the next level, so its worth it to splurge on nicer lube that you enjoy.10. Splurge on nice condomsYou can always get free condoms from health services. I used them for years, and I am so thankful for those services. That said, if you can afford them, it may be worth it to splurge of thinner, more comfortable condoms, which are unfortunately not handed out from health services because theyre too pricey. Condoms, like SKYN, tend to be a favorite among queer men. (And you can buy them in bulk on Amazon so its cheaper).11. Explore ribbed vs. unribbed condomsEspecially for queer men who have penetrative sex, the standard is unribbed. However, ribbed can be very pleasurable for the bottom (or painful), so its worth exploring both.12. Rimming is a thingAnd its probably more common than you think, especially in the gay male community. Rimming (AKA analingus)does come with health risks (so too does oral directly after penetrative sex), so its important to be careful and clean as a whistle when rimming.13. Great sexual chemistry can confuse you into thinking theres something more thereBy this I mean that having great sex with someone can lead you to believe you like them for reasons outside of sex. Sex is a powerful connector. My uncle gave me this advice, and while its a tad bit condescending, I think theres some truth to it. When the sex is great, you never know if you actually like them until six months later.14. You can be multi-orgasmic as a manIts a real thing, and something that can enhance your sex life twofold. It takes a few months to become multi-orgasmic, and a lot of work, but its definitely worth it in the end.15. Being a bottom, top, or vers doesnt define youTheres more to you than your sexual preference. Theres more to you than how you have sex. Dont let people objectify you or diminish your personhood to how you like to screw.16. Sexuality is a spectrum, not a binaryBoy, I can safely say that would have saved me years of struggle and anxiety if I were taught that from a young age. There are many more sexualities than gay and straight.17. Gender is a spectrum, not a binaryOne can also fall outside of male and female, feeling they embody both genders. Similarly, you can be agender or genderless. There is so much more to gender than male and female.18. Mens racism will take the false form of sexual preferencesSexual racism is a thing, and its rampant in the gay/bi community. On dating apps men often say that they dont hook up with certain ethnic groups. They are open about their prejudices in a manner thats hurtful and offensive.19. Keep a towel on your bed during sexI wish I learned this handy trick years earlier. Keep a towel close by during sex. That way you can wipe off extra lube or wipe yourselves down afterward. It makes sex that much easier (and cleaner).20. Femmephobia and sizeism are real, hurtful, and ubiquitous in the LGBT+ community.In addition to sexual racism people are prejudiced against men who act and identity as more feminine. They can also discriminatory against overweight men. Youll often see no fats or femmes on dating profiles.21. Trim or dontIt doesnt matter. Its all a matter of preference. Some men love body and pubic hair, and others hate it. Do whatever you like for yourself.22. Polyamory is valid and not an excuse to cheatMonogamy is not suitable for many men, women, and genderqueer individuals. Many people need multiple partners and relationships to live happily. Polyamorous people arent just using the label as an excuse to cheat.23. Open relationships can workOpen relationships are different than polyamorous ones. With polyamorous relationships you are open to the idea of loving multiple people. But in an open relationship you love one person but sleep with others, either together or separately. Open relationships do work -- but they require honesty, communication, and trust.24. You can still get STIs while using condomsThis is probably something they taught you in sex ed, but not necessarily. Unfortunately, you can still get STIs while wearing condoms. The odds are significantly lower, but viruses like herpes and HPV canexist outside of the area a condom covers. It's still good to know your partner's sexual history and plan accordingly.25. Its not weird to ask someone their statusIve heard many men say they wanted to ask a date about his HIV and STI status, but felt it would be weird. Its absolutely never weird to ask someone about their status. It can be a little awkward but its always worth it.26. Some men will be dishonest with you about their statusI didnt say that they outright lie, because its not necessarily purposeful or malicious. But I have been with men who didn't quite see the big deal in exposing their pos status. Thats why its important to be safe and to always ask.27. A strong core is for not just about flashy absStrong abs are crucial for planks and other various sexual positions that require powerful core strength. Do abs if you want to be a beast in the sheets.28. Your sperm will have different shades of colorYellow, clear, and white. It doesnt mean you have an STI. It just means that something in your diet affected the color of your sperm. But, it could also mean you have an STI, especially If its a thick shade of yellow. If the coloring is consistent, you should consult a doctor.29. Erectile dysfunction happens in young and healthy menED is on the rise in young, healthy males. Many factors can lead to ED, including substances like alcohol and drugs, but anxiety is also a big factor. You may experience a time when you cant get hard because of nerves. Youre only human. Its not the end of the world. Dont beat yourself up for it.30. Men can get the Human Papillomavirus (HPV) too And if you are a carrier, but are asymptomatic, theres no way to know for certain that you are actually a carrier of HPV without being tested. Even as a man who exclusively sleeps with other men, you can get HPV. So its still worth it to get Gardasil shots to protect yourself from the most harmful HPV strains.31. Prostate orgasms give you a full body orgasmYour P-spot is a gift from the gods. Use it. Embrace it and begin to experience orgasms that arent localized to your frontal genitalia.32. Cut your nails before putting them in any body partDid you cut your nails? Awesome! Now cut them shorter. Oh, you did cut them shorter? Great! Cut them again. Nails need to be trimmed (and filed) before inserting them into any orifice. It's that easy to scratch sensitive tissue, so it's best to be extra careful.33. Sex in front a mirror is f*cking awesomeIts simple. Its cheap. Almost everyone has a mirror in their room. Its really sexy to see yourself having sex.34. Sex in a car isnt all that funYour head will be smushed. You wont have enough space. If you can, avoid it. Road head on the other hand sexy as all hell. Also very dangerous (and illegal!) So do it at your own risk.35. Sex in a body of water doesnt actually workYour body needs friction and water makes it more difficult to have that needed friction for sex to feel good. So sex in a Jacuzzi or even shower, isnt all its cracked up to be.36. Practice makes perfectThe best way to get good at sex is to have a lot of it, and with a lot of different people. The more people youre with, the more you learn about yourself, like what you're into and what doesn't work. You also learn about various kinks and positions.37. Dont ever call any friend a slutWhy? Why shame someone you care for?38. Dont ever call any friend a prudeAgain, why shame someone you love?39. Dont touch his muscles without askingDon't do this, even if youre at a club and hes wearing a muscle tank. Dont automatically assume that you can touch a stranger in any way. A guy Im currently dating is jacked beyond belief. Men are continually reaching out to touch him (chest, arms, etc) without consent, and it drives him nuts. As it should! Dont objectify him or assume you can grab him simply because hes a gym rat.40. Become amazing at oralItll rock their world. Everyone likes getting good head. Become a pro and watch your man freak out.41. Jockstraps are f*cking amazingIts a fabulous article of clothing that gay/bi men love. Theyre fun. Theyre sexy. Buy them. Wear them. They make you feel like a million bucks.42. Dont underestimate the power of a lubed up hand jobHand jobs are so underrated. Do more of them. Theyre fun, require (relatively) little energy, and they feel damn good.43. There are different kinds of sexSex can be an intimate expression of love, but thats just one kind of sex. Theres also the Im-horny-and-just-want-someone-to-bone sex. Theres the Ive-had-a-bad-day-at-work-and-need-a-distraction sex. Sex comes in various shades. Sometimes its intense, sometimes its casual, sometimes it connects you to the person, sometimes it does the opposite.44. ConsentIf youre not sure, just f*cking ask. When I meet someone in a club or on a date, I always ask, Can I kiss you, before I lean in for the kiss. I smile and look into their eyes when I ask. Guess what? It works. I think Ive had three or four people reject me when I asked, and it wasnt awkward when they rejected me. I simply mistook friendliness for flirtation, which is why Im happy I clarified by asking beforehand. The only time I dont ask is when we meet via Grindr (where sex is pre-negotiated).45. Pee before sex and after sexPee before because its difficult to orgasm when you have to urinate. Pee afterward because it flushes everything out of your system.46. Focus more on your partnerIt's the best advice Ive ever received about sex. Dont focus on yourself. Focus on them. You will become more aroused when you see how aroused they are by you.47. No one cares about that zit on your backWhich is another way of saying, "Get out of your head during sex." Enjoy the moment. Dont sweat the small stuff.48. Figure out which positions and angles hit you deeperTo each his own. Different positions hit you in various ways and it depends on the person.49. LeatherI absolutely love the leather scene in Boston. I not only love wearing it, and the look, I love all the men who are a part of the leather community. The scene might not be for you, but its worth exploring. I definitely didnt think it was going to be for me, but here I am, now a full-on leather cub.50. Size (down there) doesn't matterDont let size queens make you feel insecure. Size does not matter. The prostate is only located three inches inside the anus, so you actually dont need much more than that to stimulate the prostate. Sure, there may be guys who reject you because your penis is too small, but what kind of guys are these anyway? Not the type you want to be sleeping with.51. Wait however long or little you want to have sexIf you want to bone on the first night, do it. I have dated and loved many men/women whom Ive had sex with on the first night. Waiting for sex, while it can foster an emotional connection, doesnt automatically. You know yourself better than anyone. You do you.52. You can say no or stop at any pointI dont care if he flew across the country to sleep with you and is about to orgasm. You can say no at any point before or during sex, and should not feel guilty for doing so. He needs to respect your choice and your body.53. Sex can smellSometimes it smells sexy and hot, other times it smells pungent in other, stinkier, ways. Its completely normal. Dont be turned off by it.54. Biting can be sexyBut biting to the point of bruising or severe pain isn't sexy -- unless you both are really into that and have discussed it.55. There are various ways to clean your anusYou can use an enema, but thats aggressive. You can use a soapy finger and/or baby wipes, but that might not be enough. The perfect medium is using an ear syringe (Bet you didnt know that one). After lubricating the tip of the syringe, you can gently flush out your anus with warm water.56. Regardless, shit happens (literally)And it will happen more than just once. Thats life. Both you and he can laugh it off.57. Bisexuality is a real and valid sexual orientation.If you dont believe me, read this or this.58. Porn can be a good or bad thing, depending on its effect on youEveryone has a unique relationship with porn. Some are healthier than others. Some men pick up bad habits from porn. Some men cant ejaculate unless watching porn. Some men struggle to maintain an erection because they watch too much porn. On the other hand, porn is a healthy and fun outlet to view new things that youre not quite ready to explore in real life. Its a way to see whats out there and get a little bit of pleasure while you do. Only you can decide if your relationship with porn is beneficial.59. Porn stars, even amateur porn stars, have ridiculously large penisesDont compare yourselves to them. Theyre like freaks of nature, even in amateur porn.60. If youre having trouble staying erect during sex, stop masturbating and watching pornIf youre having trouble maintaining your erection with other men, stop watching porn and masturbating. Your brain might be over-aroused by the porn you watch. Temporarily abstaining from porn and masturbation may be enough to reset your brain.61. Your sex drive will wax and waneThats completely natural. At times, you may never be able to get enough, and at other times you might not want to have sex at all. If you see this fluctuating quickly and intensely, it may be a sign of a deeper issue. It would be worth mentioning to your doctor or therapist.62. Laugh more during sexDont take sex so serious. Sex can be funny. Awkward things happen. Laugh and enjoy it.63. Many anti-depressant and anxiety medications (SSRIs) have serious affects on your sex driveAnxiety and depression medications that are specific serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can decrease your libido, hinder your erections, and make it difficult (or impossible) to reach orgasm. SSRIs that are highly proscribed include Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, and Paxil. FYI, these are the brand names. They also come in generic form.64. The two-by-two rule is helpful for deciding on analIf youre really nervous about poop (even after everything youve read!) remember the two by two rule. If you havent pooped in the past two days or you pooped in the past two hours you probably shouldnt be penetrated. Theres a high likelihood of making a mess.65. His lack of erection has nothing to do with youRather, it does have to do with you, but not for the reasons you think. It could be because hes nervous and really likes you, or because of something else all together. Dont think its because he doesnt find you sexually attractive.66. Jack hammering is fun, but not all the time.Cool it. Youre not a porn star. You dont need to be plowing full speed every second. Rough and hard sex can be fun, but not every time. You also dont want to tucker yourself out too quickly.67. Get tested more often.And make sure you know what youre being tested for. I hadnt realized I hadnt been tested for herpes for years. I assumed that I was being tested for everything, but thats seldom the case, unless you specify.68. Molluscum is an STI youve probably never heard of it, but have probably hadMolluscumcontagiosum virus (MCV) may sound like a spell from Harry Potter, but it's a real thing. Its those little bumps you get on your junk that look like zits. They have a raised head and you can pop them. However, the puss that oozes out after being popped is the contagious part. Molluscum is not a serious STI at all. It has no adverse health effects. It's simply annoying and aesthetically unpleasing. You can get them frozen off by your doctor. Alas, they often come back and spread quickly. Theyre very contagious.69. PrEP (Pre-exposure prophelactics)Everything about PrEP should be taught in sex ed -- what it is, how its helpful in protecting queer men from acquiring HIV, its side effects, who should be on it, how to go about asking your doctor for it, which insurances cover it, etc.70. A therapist is importantA therapist is important, especially for queer men, who have higher rates of depression and anxiety, its very helpful to see a therapist.71. The history of HIV in AmericaSex ed classes use scare tactics to get their students to wear condoms. While sex ed classes discuss HIV, they dont discuss its effects in the 80s and 90's, and all the queer men and women who fought to have HIV taken seriously in America. They survived a plague.72. Loud sex is better sex.J. Lo was onto something. Lets get loud.73. Dont be afraid to tell him what turns you onDont expect him to be a mind reader. You need to vocalize what you like and dont. If he does something you do enjoy, acknowledge it (or at least moan loudly to give him some clues).74. Dont let any label define youWhether its gay, bi, or even subgenres in the LGBT+ community: bear, kink, leather. There's more to you than your sexuality, appearance, and how you have sex.75. You can love someone deeply but that doesnt mean you should be datingI wish I didnt have to learn this lesson firsthand. You can love someone deeply, care for them with all your heart, and even have a great sexual connection with them, but that doesnt mean you should be dating. You dont have to date everyone you care for deeply.76. Foreplay is everything.It builds the suspense, and gets you even more ready for the actual game. Dont rush through it.77. Have more sober sex in collegeSex is great. Drunk sex can be great too. But in college, many queer men used drinking as a way to let down their inhibitions (I know I did). Try to feel comfortable having sex with others without being inebriated.78. Role playWhether you're into the whole teacher/student, doctor/patient, or meeting a stranger in bar scenario, there are plenty of ways to explore and kick things up a notch. Need some queer, male-specific ideas? Check this out.79. Explore that nagging thought that just wont go awayFor me, it was dating men. Kind of a big thing But for you, it may be as simple as being tied up or having your butt smacked lightly.80. You will have terrible sex at some point in your lifeSex isnt like the movies at all. You will have terrible sex in your life. It just happens. Dont let it turn you off to men or sex for good.81. Dont limit your attraction Dont say no [insert race or size or anything else limiting here]. Its fine to be more typically attracted to a certain group of people, but dont ever deny someone simply because of their race or body type.82. Ejaculation doesnt need to be the end of sexIve spoken to many men who say they ejaculate quickly and then feel bad for their partner. I asked them why sex finishes once they ejaculate? Theres so much more than can be done using other body parts.83. Sometimes sex will bring you and your partner closer, sometimes itll do the oppositeSometimes youll feel deeply in love after sex. Other times, youll want him to leave. Then youll want to burn your sheets, delete his number, and never see him again. Thats completely normal.84. Your nipples become more sensitive once theyre piercedDo whatever you want with that tidbit of information85. Kissing can be more intimate than penetrationIts not always first base. Kissing can be shockingly intimate.86. Everyones kissing style differsMy ex and I laughed about how much our kissing styles differed. We were terrible at kissing one another. Surprisingly that wasnt the reason why we broke up. I kissed more open mouth, but she preferred more closed mouth.87. Dont do the push-the-head-down-south-move.You didnt invent it. Its annoying. Its aggressive. Yes, of course there are submissive men who enjoy that, but as for the rest of us, be respectful.88. Contracting HIV is not the end of the worldIf the rate continues in the US, one in two African American men who have sex with men (MSM) will get HIV. One in four Latino men. And one in 11 MSM men. Do your best to protect yourself against HIV, but if you do get it, its not the end of the world. Its not the end of sex. Its not the end of dating. Your life will go on. You can still live a happy and healthy life with a partner.89. Dont ask him how many people hes slept withThere are only two reasons youd ask this question. 1. Youre looking to judge someone based off of their sexual history. 2. Youre feeling insecure about the number of people that youve slept with. Again, hearing how many people theyve slept with wont help you with your own insecurities. Try to find the real root.90. If you kissed (or anything) him before, it doesnt mean you have the right do it againThis harkens back to consent. You need it every single time. Never assume anything.91. Don't be afraid to sextResearch shows that people who sext are much more satisfied with their sex life in their relationship.92. Its much easier to become addicted to hookup apps than you thinkGrindr use it sparingly. If you cant stop looking at it daily. Delete it. Its a buffet of men and its easy to get addicted, especially if you have a high sex drive.93. Simple sex toys can enhance your sexual satisfaction in great waysVibrating cock rings -- theyre incredibly cheap. You can buy them online or at any sex store, and they have the ability to enhance your sexual satisfaction.94. Buy a dildo for yourself to practicePractice makes perfect, but sometimes you dont want (or have) someone else to practice with. Thats why its good to practice with yourself.95. Demisexuality is validAs defined by Demisexuality Resource Center, Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity. Demisexuality is real and very common. 96. Asexuality is also validTheres a lack of representation in the mainstream media about asexuality. Its important to note that some people do not have a desire to have sex with others, but they still can desire intense, romantic relationships.97. Not all queer men are interested in one-night standsThe media often paints us all out to be interested in one-night stands. Not all of us are. Theres nothing wrong with that.98. Explore sexual power dynamics through BDSMTheres something empowering and arousing about being both dominant and/or submissive in a sexual context. It satisfies some primal sexual urges that can be healthy, even cathartic, to explore in a consensual manner with someone you trust.99. Dont ever send an unsolicited dick pic.Dick pics are fun. Dont get me wrong. But theyre only fun when you WANT to receive one. Unsolicited dick pics from strangers are not fun. Id go as far as to say its a form of harassment.100. Poppers exist and you can use themQueer men have many feelings about poppers -- some good and some bad. Theyre sold over the counter (in the US) and you can buy them at any sex shop. They are, technically, a drug, but so too is Advil. Poppers, if you use them sparingly, can be very helpful to relax you before sex. Specifically, if youre too tight.101. Sex is just one component of a healthy relationship.Of course sex is important, and it's also a reason why many people break up. But theres so much more to a relationship than sex. Make sure to focus your energy on more than just intercourse.