A Person With Parents: How Sarah McBride and her family stay strong in the face of transphobia
Representative Sarah McBride (D-DE) often wonders if her Republican colleagues forget that she has parents. Would her fellow elected officials still ferociously and publicly demean her if they remembered that the two people who love her more than anything in the world had to hear the insults, too? Its easier for them to dehumanize her than to confront the real person behind the political pawn they have reduced her to, she told LGBTQ Nation. Its why she thinks the same legislators who misgender her and call her slurs on the House floor avoid eye contact when they cross paths with her in Capitol hallways.Engaging with her, she explained, would remind them that not only am I a person, but by extension, I am a person with parents, who hurt when they see and when they read what some of my colleagues are saying and doing to me.Rep. McBride knew running for Congress would mean inviting more discrimination into her life, but she could not have predicted how much. Insights for the LGBTQ+ community Subscribe to our briefing for insights into how politics impacts the LGBTQ+ community and more. Subscribe to our Newsletter today I dont think I anticipated entering Congress not only in a Republican trifecta with Donald Trump as president, but after an election where hundreds of millions of dollars would have been specifically spent on trans issues, and every conceivable issue in some way by the Republicans would seem to be brought back to trans issues.It used to be easier to protect her mom and dad from the transphobia she has long endured as a prominent figure in Delaware politics, but now that the GOP regularly turns its hatred of her into front-page news, hiding it is no longer possible Its been hard for me to watch my parents have to grapple with that hate, she said, for it to essentially go from zero to one hundred since I had shielded them from so much of it before. Related Sarah McBride warns Americans not to let the GOP distract them with anti-trans attacks Its been an emotional whirlwind for her parents, too. David and Sally McBride worry every day for their daughters safety. But at the same time, they are filled with pride as they watch her accomplish her dreams. What I try to say to myself and its not easy and I worry about her every day but the role model that she is to other transgender people, kids and adults, is amazing, Sally told LGBTQ Nation.My pride in Sarah, David added, includes the fact that she has the courage to do what shes doing.Rep. McBride said her parents support has been critical to enduring the chaos. Her Democratic colleagues often ask her how she can keep doing this work, and her number one answer is her family.I lucked out in the parent lottery, she said. My parents remain two of my best friends The love and support that I have from my family make it all bearable. Unconditional love Sarah McBride celebrates with her parents (left) and her brother (right) after winning the Democratic primary for U.S. House of Representatives on Tuesday, September 10, 2024. | Damian Giletto/Delaware News Journal / USA TODAY NETWORKSally and David always agreed that the first rule of parenting is unconditional love. So when, in 2011, their then-21-year-old daughter told them she was trans, there was no question they would figure out how to support her.But that didnt make it easy.Unconditional love didnt stifle their waves of grief as they mourned the loss of the child they thought they had. It didnt help them understand why she couldnt just keep it all inside, and it didnt stop an overwhelming sense of dread from taking root, warning them that somehow, this meant their lives were over.Of course, now they know that could not have been further from the truth. For the next decade and a half, the McBrides would watch their daughter blaze a series of trails to ultimately become the countrys first out trans member of Congress. But on that day in 2011, when Rep. McBride first told her parents who she was, it felt impossible to envision a successful life for their daughter.In short, they were scared. The couple doesnt shy away from these darker moments on their journey to becoming the fervent activists they are today. They want other parents of trans youth to know that its okay to experience a full range of emotions when their children come out. Acceptance, they explained, can coincide with heartache; support and unease dont have to be mutually exclusive.Dont expect perfection from yourself, David said. A lot of people, once they react a certain way, they dont think they can change. Its almost like they think, Oh, if I change now, Im going to be admitting I did something wrong.Sally said that when Rep. McBride first came out, she fell to the floor. I thought I was losing a child. I think its important for parents to see that can be a reaction Youre just expressing how you feel. But in the long run, the acceptance is going to make your child happier and healthier.Studies indeed show that suicidality significantly decreases for trans and nonbinary young people who are affirmed by loved ones. David learned this fact while consulting Google on the same day he learned his daughter was trans, and he knew right away it meant hed be accepting even if he didnt yet know what that looked like.He has since met many trans young people who have been disowned by their families, and he just cant wrap his head around it.Why in the world would anyone want this outcome of being estranged from their own children? he said. How could there ever be a God that would want children and parents to be estranged? Grace & transformation Sally McBride, mother of Democratic candidate for state senate Sarah McBride, shows off her protective mask at the polling location at Highlands Elementary on Tuesday, Nov. 3, 2020. | Jerry Habraken via Imagn Content Services, LLCRep. McBride emphasized that theres an important distinction between well-intentioned people doing their best and those who are committed to rejection and hate.At no point would I ever have classified my parents as not accepting, she said. The difficult conversations we had and the reactions they had were not coming from a place of rejection or hatred. They were coming from a place of fear, and that fear was connected to their love for me.But just as knowing theyd accept their daughter didnt make it easy for David and Sally, knowing her parents would eventually come around didnt make it any less painful to help them get there.It was hard to watch them experience devastation, Rep. McBride said. It was hard to answer their many, many questions, most of which she said centered around literally explaining what it means to be transgender and some of which would probably be categorized as politically incorrect. Getting to a place of mutual understanding required a level of grace between all three of us, she said, but that grace would actually quicken our journey. In allowing her parents that grace, she said she saw them undergo the most beautiful transformation.I saw my parents go from crawling into my bed the next morning, crying, begging me not to come out to anyone else to being some of the fiercest, most compassionate, most dedicated, not only parents, but advocates for dignity and equality that I know. Related Trans Rep. Sarah McBride blasts Trumps transphobic policies as appalling, cynical, & wasteful It probably would have gotten there no matter what, but that transformation was without question facilitated, at least in speed, by our capacity as a family to just have these difficult conversations.This experience, she said, has helped shape her more patient approach to advocacy today, an approach that has earned the praise of some and angered others who believe shes not pushing back hard enough against intolerance. But Rep. McBride has stood firm in her conviction that leaders in the movement for equality must be less absolutist and more willing to guide public opinion in the right direction.If I had responded to my parents with, How dare you ask these questions? or Youre a bigot for making these comments or It doesnt matter, just get over it and accept me, I dont know that our journey would have been the same, she said. If we treat everyone who is not where we want them to be in their journey to understanding the full diversity of humanity as all committed to hatred, to rejection, to prejudice, then we are shooting ourselves in the foot in our capacity to foster change.Those with good intentions who are just scared of the unknown can be persuaded, she said, as long as we are willing to walk with them on this journey in the same way that I had the chance to walk with my parents.She believes most Americans are like her mom and dad: Good people with good intentions and good hearts.People who deserve the chance to grow. The costs of crueltyFrom left, Dave and Sally McBride, parents of candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives Sen. Sarah McBride, sit with their dog Scout in the sunroom of their home in Wilmington, Thursday, Oct. 3, 2024. | Benjamin Chambers/Delaware News Journal / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn ImagesNot everyone, of course, has good intentions. Rep. McBrides historic entrance into Congress has coincided with one of the most vitriolic moments in trans history. As the Republican Party slides further into authoritarianism, trans people even kids have become the enemy around which to rally its base and distract the American public from its unconstitutional power grabs.The party has ushered in an age in which leaders can degrade trans people for political clout, an age in which hateful language that may have once disqualified someone from even running for office can now help elevate them to even more prominent roles. Related The GOPs obsession with Congress first trans member has a much uglier purpose With the support of other anti-LGBTQ+ colleagues like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), anti-trans Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) made herself a household name by waging a vicious war against Rep. McBride before she was even sworn in, demanding trans women be barred from using womens restrooms at the Capitol in anticipation of her tenure.As Maces hate campaign gained more attention, her rhetoric grew more vile. Stooping to a level of cruelty that was once unimaginable from the mouth of a contemporary elected official, she posted hundreds of hateful comments about McBride, repeatedly misgendering and dehumanizing her, and at one point even started selling t-shirts to promote her bathroom ban. In one social media post, she bluntly declared herself a proud transphobe. Mace is now running for governor of South Carolina with her anti-trans views as the crux of her campaign. As painful as it all is, Sally and David are working hard to see past the insults and focus on the difference their daughter is making.[Trans people] finally have a seat at the table, Sally said. And a lot of these congresspeople have never met a trans person, so here is someone who is a great communicator and really cares about her constituents. The genuineness she feels, the love she feels, wanting to do the best for her constituents is real, and its obvious.Rep. McBride said her parents have not only given her crucial emotional support but also helped her navigate the moment intellectually. We have never had in this country a first enter Congress when the identity that makes them a first is at the center of political controversy and the district that they represent is not predominantly or significantly made up of that identity, she explained.My parents have been really critical partners in thinking through how to navigate his moment with strategy, with discipline, with compassion, and with principle in really difficult waters. She has, for example, spoken about the thought process behind her decision to comply with the GOPs anti-trans bathroom ban at the Capitol, emphasizing that she refuses to let Republicans distract her from serving her constituents. Every single time we hear them say the word trans, look what theyre doing with their right hand, she told Face the Nation last year. Look at what theyre doing to pick the pocket of American workers, to fleece seniors by privatizing Social Security and Medicare. Look what theyre doing, undermining workers. Every bit of time and energy that is used to divert the attention of federal government to go after trans people is time and energy that is not focused on addressing the cost of living for our constituents. There is a real cost for the American worker every time they focus on this. The obvious answerThen-State Sen.-elect Sarah McBride stands for a portrait in front of Legislative Hall in Dover on Monday, Jan. 11, 2021. McBride will be sworn into office Tuesday, Jan. 12. | Jerry Habraken/Delaware News Journal / USA TODAY NETWORKWhen Rep. McBride first came out, David and Sally knew the only way their friends, family, and colleagues would embrace her was if they modeled what acceptance looks like. They began meeting with folks in small groups. At that time, not many people had even heard the word transgender, and it was up to them to make sure those around them understood what it meant.We knew there were going to be misconceptions and stereotypes, Sally said. We wanted to be able to control the dialogue More than anything, I wanted [my friends] to ask me questions so I could dissolve the stereotypes, and thats exactly what I did. Eventually, Sally even started a support group for the parents of trans youth.It was important to show that we were proud of our daughter, how much courage it took to come out, and that we will do anything to make sure that shes safe and happy.David said its remarkable how much more knowledgeable parents are today than he was back then.I needed to understand intellectually, he explained. The problem I had with the whole transgender concept was I had been raised largely by the womens liberation movement to believe there are no differences between men and women other than anatomy, and that any other psychological differences or personality characteristics were socially imprinted. If that were true, I didnt understand what was happening or why it was happening. Related Sarah McBride slams cruel colleagues for being too immature to treat trans folks well In 2017, he had an ah-ha moment while watching Katie Courics documentary Gender Revolution, which spoke about intersex kids whose parents randomly selected a gender for them as infants and raised them as such. Those children, to a much higher extent than the general population, would come out and say you got it wrong, he learned, which meant there had to be something more than socialization or anatomy that was distinguishing gender.More parents today seem to have already grasped this concept, he said. Due to the immense growth in visibility of trans people, even parents experiencing challenges in embracing their childs identity are likely approaching it with a stronger foundation of knowledge and understanding than they would have a few decades ago. Still, none were likely prepared to be thrust onto the front lines of a national war against their childrens existence, forced to march in front of statehouses, make impassioned pleas to school boards to let their kids pee in peace, drive hours across state lines for routine doctors appointments, and in some cases, flee the country. But seemingly against all odds, the McBride family has hope.In the long run, most people are compassionate and have empathy, David said, and that will bear out. I hope things are at their worst right now, and they will get better.Progress often involves two steps forward and one step back, Rep. McBride said, acknowledging that right now we are in a major step back.But hopelessness, she said, is the greatest thing we can give the forces of hate in this moment.All three McBrides agreed that one of the most important things parents can do for their trans children right now is hold onto that hope for a better future.If you are a parent today, you remember a time when marriage bans were passing around the country, said Rep. McBride, and you are now raising a child at a time when something that seemed so impossible just 20 years ago that it was almost incomprehensible is now a reality.For those still figuring out how best to help their trans kids through this time, David put it simply: The obvious answer, he said, is to love them.Subscribe to theLGBTQ Nation newsletterand be the first to know about the latest headlines shaping LGBTQ+ communities worldwide.
