Heres when to cut a toxic person out of your life, even if they're family, say therapists
Theres a popular meme circulating right now about the difference between disagreeing on politics and your humanity one is a surmountable disagreement, the other is a non-negotiable. And its true, denying your humanity and access to human rights should be the ultimate red line in any relationship. (@) That has never felt more stark than in a week when millions of people many who profess to know and care about queer people took to the voting booth to say we dont matter. But of course, in practice, its rarely that cut and dried.Theres love, history, social expectation, and attachment healthy and otherwise that complicate the decision to cut someone out of your life, particularly when theyre family. But having a toxic person in your orbit can be devastating to your mental and emotional well-being, which makes it necessary for you to cut them out of your life. But how do you know its time to take such a drastic measure? To answer that, PRIDE reached out to the experts Dr. Michelle Beaupre, PhD, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker; Brianna Paruolo, a psychotherapist; and Maya Weir, a clinical psychologist to get their take and advice on how to identify the toxic people in your life, how to make the decision to remove them from it, and how to take care of yourself afterward. How do you recognize someone toxic in your life?The first step to removing toxicity from your life is recognizing that its happening. Thankfully, there are myriad clear signs of this, Dr. Beaupre tells PRIDE. Instead of owning up to their mistakes or the harm theyve caused, they might shift blame, make excuses, or flat-out deny any wrongdoing. This leaves you feeling frustrated and unheard, as the person never truly recognizes the impact they have on others, she explains. Without accountability, theres no real opportunity for growth or resolution in the relationship.Hand in hand with this is a lack of empathy. A toxic person often shows little to no empathy, meaning they dont seem to care about how their actions affect others. They may dismiss your feelings, ignore your struggles, or not offer support when you need it most. This can create feelings of isolation and neglect, as empathy is key to maintaining a healthy emotional connection. When someone cant or wont understand your perspective, it weakens the bond between you, she says. And finally, toxic people are highly manipulative. This happens when someone uses emotional tactics, guilt, or deception to control or influence others for their own benefit. They might twist the truth or pressure you into making decisions that arent in your best interest. Over time, this leaves you feeling drained, confused, and powerless, as the relationship becomes more about their needs than mutual respect, explains Beaupre.But thats not all: other behaviors to be on the lookout for include consistent patterns of criticism and belittlement, gaslighting and reality distortion, boundary violations, and creating chaos and drama, adds Paruolo. How does it FEEL to be around someone toxic?The tricky part of identifying a toxic person in your life is how the elements of manipulation and gaslighting can make it hard for you to see it but even then feel it. As they say, the body remembers, and the body keeps score.So, what does it feel like to be around someone who is toxic? Everyones body responds differently to having a toxic person in your life, but some common body sensations are: tightness in the chest, tension in the shoulders, tension in the throat area, clenching fists, and/or nausea, Weir tells PRIDE. Common emotions when you are dealing with a toxic person are anger, rejection, sadness, shut down (or dissociated), or triggered.Another symptom is a heavy, generalized feeling of dread when youre in their presence, adds Dr. Beaupre. Its like a weight on your chest that doesnt go away, even if youre just thinking about interacting with them, she explains. This feeling can start off subtle but may grow stronger over time. Its your bodys way of signaling that something isnt right. You might feel drained, anxious, or even physically exhausted after spending time with them as if their presence is taking more from you than youre able to give. This persistent heaviness is a red flag that the relationship may be affecting you in unhealthy ways.More signs include sleep disturbances, feeling constantly on edge or hypervigilant, second-guessing yourself frequently, exhaustion after interactions, loss of confidence, difficulty making decisions, and feeling like youre walking on eggshells, says Paruolo.When is it OK to cut someone toxic out of your life? Even if they are family?Is this feeling all too familiar? First of all, were so sorry. This is often incredibly difficult and heartbreaking, but at the end of the day, your mental health and protecting your boundaries are incredibly important.Its OK to cut someone toxic out of your life when your well-being is being compromised mentally, emotionally, or physically, says Dr. Beaupre. No matter who they are, family or not, your mental and emotional health should come first. Its not selfish to prioritize your peace, especially when you feel like youre constantly sacrificing it for someone who doesnt bring positivity or support into your life.Being family doesnt give someone a permission slip to abuse you, says Paruolo. If the cost of maintaining the relationship is more than the benefits, I strongly urge anyone to take an audit of whats in their control and how to make a realistic change.Weir acknowledges that making the choice to cut someone out of your life is a big decision, but adds, When you feel emotionally or physically unsafe, it is OK to cut someone out of your life. And cutting someone off doesnt have to be forever; you can also choose to take a break and see how that feels. Sometimes you may need to cut someone out for a certain amount of time to process and heal yourself, says Weir.What steps you can take to remove them?So, youve identified a toxic person in your life and youre ready to protect your peace. Now what?Dr. Beaupre suggests opening a dialog with the person youre cutting off, if its safe to do so. First, you can try talking to them honestly expressing how their behavior affects you. Sometimes, they may not realize the harm theyre causing, and a conversation could help open their eyes. If youre open to it, seeking therapy together can be another option, especially if the relationship is worth saving and theyre willing to put in the work. However, if they refuse to take responsibility or show no interest in changing, its OK to start pulling away.That being said, if you already know youre ready to cut ties, Paruolo says it can be fairly straightforward, Build a support system first. Set clear boundaries about contact, but expect and prepare for pushback, she warns. Weir also emphasizes the need to surround yourself with support first. Get other people who can support you and talk through it if you get backlash from the person. Having a solid support system is key to cutting someone out because the person may guilt you or shame you for cutting them out and you will need support to process that, she says. As for the actual severing of the relationship, you can do it at your own pace. Over time, you might naturally distance yourself, and thats OK. If things get really bad and its clear they wont change, you dont have to take a gradual approach. You can choose to cut ties immediately block them, stop responding, and move on, explains Dr. Beaupre. Sometimes, a clean break is the best way to protect your peace. Your emotional health is important, no matter who it is.How to take care of yourself after.Finally, its important to be gentle with yourself after all this. Even though this is the right thing for you, it can still be painful and confusing. Thats OK! After cutting someone toxic out of your life, my advice is to fill your cup with as much self-love as you can, suggests Dr. Beaupre. Take time to do things that make you feel good whether its a hobby, exercise, or simply spending time alone to recharge. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you and lift you up those who make you feel valued and supported. Let their love remind you of your worth.But you dont have to do it alone. Paruolo suggests enlisting the help of a professional. Seek therapy to process the experience, join support groups, [and] practice radical self-compassion, she says. Accept that grief is normal, even when the decision was right.At the end of the day, your healing is key. Create space for the positive, loving energy you deserve. By nurturing yourself and your relationships with people who genuinely care, youll begin to feel stronger, more at peace, and ready to move forward with your life, says Dr. Beaupre.The experts: Dr. Michelle Beaupre, PhD, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Clinical Director at Villa OasisBrianna Paruolo, Psychotherapist, LMHC Clinical Director & founder at On Par Therapy NYC Maya Weir, Licensed Clinical Psychologist & founder of Thriving California
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